“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).

 

A few years ago, I counseled a husband and wife that were experiencing conflict in their marriage. I listened intently as the they exchanged heated accusations against one another. After fifteen minutes of non-stop rancor, I interjected with this question: “If you had to put your finger on one thing that is causing the greatest trouble in your relationship, what would that one thing be?” The couple turned and looked at one another for a moment then simultaneously replied, “We have difficulty communicating with each other.”

 

The reality is that this duo communicated quite effectively (if not loudly) with one another. In fact, they communicated too much. The problem is that the messages each of them directed toward the other were more hurtful than helpful.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott claim, “In every healthy marriage, you’ll find that there are times when you need to bite your tongue.” The Parrott’s admit that a great amount of personal discipline is needed to remain quiet when one or both partners are emotionally charged. Biting one’s tongue requires maturity and grace.

 

However, the Parrott’s believe that good things come about when married couples practice withholding their opinions until such time when cooler heads can prevail. The benefit for husbands and wives that observe moments of silence is that each partner can develop greater listening skills. One drawback to speaking too hastily is that we tend to think more about what we want to say next rather than hear closely to what our partner is telling us.

 

In addition, couples that genuinely listen to one another grow in their capacity for empathy. Husbands and wives that mutually listen to each other become acutely aware of the fears and pain they are individually experiencing. It becomes much harder to verbally attack one’s spouse when realizing that he or she is feeling vulnerable.

 

The writer of Ephesians claims that grace is given to the one that listens. Frankly, we are hard-wired to defend ourselves when feeling threatened. In such moments of perceived distress, God’s grace is needed so that couples refrain from treating one another as enemies. A simple prayer such as this can make a difference between reconciling or wrecking a marriage:

 

“God, in moments when we are tempted to lash out in anger, please place your arm over our shoulders, your hand over our mouths, and your grace to guard our hearts from reacting in fear. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”